‘Jack the third king of El Sugundo who apparently caused the 21st century credit crisis by buying a whale of solid gold.’

‘My niece tells great stories, for example… when working in a chemist and a customer came in for the “tablets for McAuley” (ma collie) – she couldn’t understand his upset when she gave him worming tablets for his collie – ‘the tablets are for me – no the dog”‘

‘At a bar in Poland, a friend of mine started chatting up a girl. But, turns out her husband was a Polish gangster, who proceeded to “call the boys”. We left fairly swiftly…’

‘The most memorable thing I’ve seen in a pub…The bar tender throwing a customer’s debit card across the bar after being hassled all night.’

‘I was on a Tinder date at Indego Yard (a bar in Edinburgh) and I was like “oh, I’m hardly keeping up with you” (I don’t like beer and he had finished his drink) so he just poured mine into his glass and then it turned out he was the rudest man ever and that night at his he stuck his fingers in my spag bol (not a euphemism) fucking twat. He said he was seeing if it was hot enough and I was like umm, please stop handling my food and he just told me I was “so cute” and carried on touching my meat.’

‘The Bluebell – North Yorkshire. Lady Bell, locals talking about her, the woman who mapped out Iraq in the 1920s. Talk of her pulling a calf out of a flooding river whilst farmer had abandoned attempt, a very [   ] woman.’

‘From working on a bar: My boss “received fellatio” from behind the bar whilst everyone was cleaning up.’

‘Once a girl asked me to hold her bag. I did, and she crossed the bar and punched guy in the face. She came back and, taking her bag back, she explained the guy she punched was her ex. This girl would, a couple of months later, become my girlfriend.’

‘Where I’m from they tell a story about two children, Max and Milly, two children who put lots of bugs on an old man – sad old man gets angry and tries to chase them, finally covering them in dough…and BAKING THEM.’

‘The most memorable thing I’ve seen in a pub…Working as a barmaid, I had to do the choking manoeuvre (Heimlich) on my boss, the landlord’s snotty adolescent son. Did I get any thanks? Nope!!!’

‘The most memorable thing I’ve seen in a pub…I saw a man chain himself to the bar in protest at the price of scratching…and then try to saw his hand off with a plastic knife when he needed the toilet.’

‘The most memorable thing I’ve seen in a pub…a live panda crawled into the bar foaming and seathing trying to find its cub amongst the cranberry juice and then the drugs started working.’

‘My friend tells great stories, for example… the time she got high to avoid conscription and ended up having a lesbian experience…”as was the style at the time.”‘

‘My great uncle tells great stories, for example…when his ship ran aground on Nazi-Occupied Norway during the battle of Narvig. He and his friend were smuggled out of the country by the Resistance, disguised as women.’


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