‘I’m from a village on the Isle of Lewis so many stories are the crack of the day, many mystical sightings and as a fluent Gaelic speaker my translations are of Ghouls and ghosts which are very believable.’

‘There’s this pub in Silves (Algarve) where the owner is now confined to a wheelchair so in his place at the bar sits a big cooking pot where everybody puts in their money and takes their change from before helping themselves to a drink behind the bar. The owner lives just above the bar. At the end of each night the strongest men carry him upstairs in the chair and help close up. True story.’

Where I’m from they tell stories about… ‘A young man who was obsessed with catching this fish which had taunted fishermen for ages. He uses magic and catches it, brings it home, in the morning the fish is a woman! They fall in love. It doesn’t end well for him (since she’s clearly not human, soon enough she finds her way back into the river. He tries to find her again but he predictably drowns).’

My boss tells great stories, for example… ‘the pub I work in used to be a hotel. It was a quiet hotel – not much happened but this one time a guy was murdered in his sleep. He now haunts the bar, nothing too spooky but slides drinks away from customers as though trying to play air hockey with them.’

‘Lunchtime at a pub in Cornwall called the Crooked Inn. Before we’d even had one drink we noticed a goat with its front legs on the table eating crisps, and a potbellied pig snuffling round the other tables, We went up to the bar as we were ordering our drinks there was heavy breathing on my shoulder. Turning, I was confronted with a large horse and her female owner. ‘It was raining outside so I brought him in’ she said. (This is absolutely true, cross my heart and hope to die).’

The most memorable thing I’ve seen in a pub… ‘A friend propped on a bar table and stripped naked by a hen do.’

The most memorable thing I’ve seen in a pub… ‘At 1am we are all out on the street. We’d been kicked out after last orders. We are all feeling the effects of copious Jagger bombs. One crowd are being particularly rowdy when the local police turn up sure enough, they get thrown in the back of the car. The car drives off…Next thing we know, the police car is driving back down the street with a couple of the drunken locals on the police loud speaker singing “Bad boys, bad boys what you gonna do? What you gonna do when they come for you?”’

The most memorable thing I’ve seen in a pub… ‘On my hen do, I launched myself at an unsuspecting man and completely flattened him whilst wearing a blow up sumo suit.’

The most memorable thing I’ve seen in a pub… ‘Finding a left behind pair of glasses which we turned into x-ray specs and had lots of fun with them for the rest of the night – (it made ugly guys instantly handsome!)’

Where I’m from they tell a story about…’a man who went to race with the sun. So he ran after the Sun, and he ran after the sun. Then he dies. Ps. I think he is drunk when he did this. Anyway he died.’

‘I don’t know any stories so I’ll write a quote I like (soz) (it is good though)

Man has one name, and many more than 2 natures. But the essential 2 are these: that he shall strive to impose order on chaos, and that he shall strive to take advantage of chaos. – Brunner.

It’s like the struggle between perfectionism and revelling in disorder wherever possible.’

‘(This is the only thing I actually remember in a pub…)

I once ordered a white Russian from a white Russian, who asked me if I wanted a “real” white Russian, or a British one. Obviously I ordered the “real” one which was entirely alcohol with a smidgen of cream and he kept telling me “stir”.’

The most memorable thing I’ve seen in a pub… ‘I worked behind the bar and a drunken Eastern European [man] had an argument with the owner and bit his finger off…reminded me of a jammy dodger biscuit.’

‘I once witnessed a guy being knocked out by his mate. Served them both at last orders, seemed happy enough with their shots. 2 minutes later I turn around to see one of the greatest hooks of all time. The guy then walked out like he just dropped the mic.’

The most memorable thing I’ve seen in a pub…’In the ladies bathroom at the pub Dirty Dicks is a toilet seat with a mirror on the ceiling. Not a good thing to look up and see on a night with too many drinks.’

‘Now, this cousin of mine; he used to play piano in bars and pubs. You know, to get a little money. He played the vet meadows. He used to tell this tale of the Iron pub. The gates, doors, walls, tables, and chairs all made of black ornate Iron. For the place was quite fancy with customers in pretty old dresses, and canes and capes. He disliked the strong Iron smell of the place, but they were paying him a lot, after all he was going to play from dusk till dawn, and every customer was very elegant their glasses always red and hearing his song they said he had a very good taste and wanted him to drink with them. So, he asked for a glass of wine, but the bar tender said ‘We don’t have wine.”

He runned like if hell froze over.’


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